Bad Breath

Dragons snort smoke and breath fire
And I think that that's kind of dire
Why here's a hint
Try out a mint
Fresh breath they should just acquire

Unicorns

Unicorns are no longer around
Perhaps once they were abound
Even protozoa
Were nicer to Noah
I guess the poor bastards drowned

Cookin'

I went to the store today
From my place it's a short way
Grabbed me some potatoes
Cauliflower, tomatoes
Veggies are good I must say

Ah, the Music

Making music can certainly strain
In the end though it's worth all the pain
To hear your creation
Is an awesome sensation
Thanks to DJ MonkeyBrain

Coming Soon

My poems have waited too long
But I won't sing you a song
Of why I've been busy
And all in a tizzy
The batch coming soon will be strong!

I will be taking a vacation
So I can now lay the foundation
More limericks for you
They'll all be brand new
I hope you like all this creation

Chilly

Polar bears eat things like seals
And probably penquins and eels
They like their fish
But if they had their wish
They'd probably like more varied meals

Dr. Larry

The dentist can be a bit scary
Mine happens to call himself Larry
He checked on my tooth
That I chipped in my youth
When I tripped and fell down in a prairie

Sisters

Little sisters can be a pain
Certainly they are a strain
But when they are sweet
They just can't be beat
Unless you are using a cane

I'm kidding about this of course
I'd yell of my love till I'm hoarse
They are both great
And I can relate
Since we come from the very same source

Smack!

Mosquitoes I find to be awful
And on this I never do waffle
Sucking my blood
I smack them with a thud
I hope such a killing is lawful

My Audience

You know what can be real tough?
Coming up with funny stuff
To write down for you
Something that's new
Since I know that this crowd is tough

Swingin'

I like to relax on my porch swing
Where I feel like I'm a king
I sway in the breeze
But a powerful sneeze
Could blow me right off that thing

Smokes

Cigarettes are something you smoke
But they make some people choke
I don't really care
But it stinks in your hair
Which you'll then have to soak

Birthday Party

I'm having a birthday party soon
Thank goodness it isn't in June
At least now there's some
Of you who can come
And sing me a birthday tune

I know it's a quite a busy time
But I've gone through the trouble to rhyme
This party's in lieu
Of a Bar Review
You don't have excuses this time

It's happening at Union Jack's
But let me give you more of the facts
Come out at 9:00
And we'll have a good time
Have lots of drinks and some snacks

The address is not hard to know
It's 4915 St. Elmo
Bethesda's the city
Don't say that it's shitty
This British Pub will be aglow

Apologies also to you
Who are all saying 'boo-hoo'
If you can't come
It's all cool chum
But I wanted to invite you too

I heard there might be competition
For this weekend's birth-a-day wishin'
Don't sweat the choices
'Cause I'll be rejoicin'
With any party addition

And to finish up this little rhyme
I'll just repeat it one more time
Look right below
Here's all the info
If I see you it will be sublime

Thursday April 6 - 9:00PM
Union Jack's British Pub
4915 St. Elmo Ave.
Bethesda, MD 20814
http://www.unionjacksbethesda.com/

Camels

Camels have one hump or possibly two
But that is something you likely knew
The extra's to store
Just a little bit more
In case one gets sick with the flu

Sometimes camels can catch the flu?
I don't really know if that's true
Now I do yearn
About this to learn
I guess I'll just head to the zoo

Someone will tell me all about it
Diseases that camels no doubt get
But what if it's gross
When I get too damn close
If it's nasty you know that I'll shout it

Ouch

I cut my poor face with a razor
They advertise it like a lazer
But the blade was too dull
I'm such a numb skull
I've got blood all over my blazer

Corporations v. Spotted Dog Challenge

Buiness Associations
Are nothing like cutey dalmations
Uh oh this rhyme
Is taking much time
I think i've got complications

And yet I think I can save it
A rhyme about both, I do crave it
I could use the word "spot"
So I'll give it a shot
Do I dare take this idea and brave it?

Dalmations are dogs who have spots
BA is a class you like lots
They are not related
Making my job hated
Trying to connect the dots

Immigration Law

Non-citizens seeking relief
From removal's ultimate grief
Deportation? Exclusion?
It all breeds confusion
At least that was my belief

But now I can understand
At least one reason you would be banned
Inadmissible at entry?
Why that's elementary
You could be deported my man

Yet we still might lament
Rosenberg v. Fleuti's dissent
Constitutional issues
Are tossed like old tissues
The Court seems to circumvent

This is not something new
Zadvydas faced this thing too
The statute was read
To bring justice instead
Of facing the real issue

Such justice isn't arbitrary
Understanding is what could be scary
These decisions have weight
Though they're not set out straight
'least they didn't use a dictionary

February Flakes

I played in the snow today
Even rode down a hill on a sleigh
Threw some ice at the neighbor
Now she’s gone into labor
I’m in big real big trouble I’d say

Cold

Snow is beautifully cold
It’s bright and it’s white and it’s bold
I’ll throw some at you
And you’ll sneeze – AACHOO!
This stuff is poetry gold

It's Coming

The weather is getting quite cold
I love watching winter unfold
The snow and the sleet
And the ice on the street
Mean a frost will finally take hold

Happy New Year

The year of two thousand and five
Will no longer be able to thrive
Two thousand and six
Is bringing its tricks
For the new year is soon to arrive

Red Suit a' Flyin'

Santa Claus knows how to fly
In a sleigh way up in the sky
With nine pulling reindeer
The fat man shows no fear
Man I’d love to give that a try

Favortism

Christmas time is the best
Better than all of the rest
Of the holiday seasons
For a very good reason
With lots of cool presents I’m blessed

Holiday Food

Pumpkin Pie really tastes nice
It has such a holiday spice
It’s best with egg nog
And I’m being a hog
But I think I’ll have another slice

December

This month I really must study
So I have to say “fuck you buddy”
I don’t have the time
To come up with more rhyme
So back off before I make you bloody

Quirky Meal

For the holiday we made a feast
There were twenty-five dishes at least
I thought there’d be turkey
But my family’s quirky
Like in Whoville, we ate roast beast

Pilgrim Hats

The Pilgrims wore a funny hat
Made from the fur of a cat
Ok, that was a lie
I don’t know really why
I couldn’t resist saying that

No Money

Soon 'tis a day to give thanks
Everywhere’s closed, even banks
So you’re not getting money
Outta there honey
Unless you are taking some tanks

The Mega Post Dedicated to the Fans of Tim's Blog (And Last Post Until Thanksgiving, So Enjoy it People!)

Lyndsey

She worked hard to set up a meeting
But her patience is quickly depleting
Since they didn't show up
They'll need a sippie cup
After she gives the 1L's a beating

She'll knock some heads like Deniro
Outta thirty we had two more than zero
Bust those fools in the face
Because they're a disgrace
You know, Lyndsey, you're also MY hero

Deryn

Deryn's diction is clearly excitable
Yes such word choice is very reliable
Her words are much better
And they don't repeat letters
Like her fav'rite: uncopyrightable

To use such a word in this biz
Takes a real poetry wiz
Which word is a curse
To use in a verse?
"Uncopyrightable" is

Meeth

Never did I think I'd meet
A girl with such boots on her feet
But moreso the vex
Is the silver spandex
This combo just can't be beat

Her clothing might be eccentric
Some probably think it's electric
She goes for unique
Thinking it's chic
Perhaps she's just egocentric

Siobhan

There once was a girl named Siobhan
Who woke up at the crack of dawn
I tried to invite her
To a game of soccer
Too bad she was already gone

Now she is Panicky Pam
And describes when she's in a jam
They're all in her head
These cases of dread
But she doesn't give a damn

Amy

Another poet and friend
Who's more than able to blend
Cool stuff into Haiku
Anthropology too
She'll like it better here in the end

"What does that mean?" she will ask
"Is this some sort of a task?"
"Yes it is", I will say
"Write Haiku for me, eh?"
In the meantime, back to my flask

Bethany

She's not in love with Monroe
I wouldn't blame her though
The city's a bore
And ugly to its core
Sometimes it really does blow

But at home, she can find peace
With her dog, Angel, at least
Rambunctious and noisy
She'd run all the way to Boise
If she got free from her leash

Sarah

Sometimes she's known as "Sparrow"
Which makes this limerick quite narrow
Rhyming that word -
It's the name of a bird -
Is tough. How 'bout the word "pharoah"?

Oh wait, that doen't work
Which makes me seem like a jerk
I have plenty of time
I should NOT cheat to rhyme
At least it will give me a smirk

Kevin

You know, it would be heaven
If there were something like seven
Words I could use
That won't get me "boos"
For trying to rhyme with Kevin

I need some more time to think
But now I'm on the brink
Of bending the rules
To make rhymes for you fools
I really could use a drink!

Kyle

Oh my God am I done yet?
I'm sorta getting sick of this shit
But Kyle's my friend
I'll stick through this till the end
This next verse will be a big hit

In this verse about Kyle, I won't cheat
As bartender, he'll make you a treat
He'll mix random liquor
But then with a snicker
Realize the shit tastes like meat

Anusuya

Ms. George really knows how to dine
She likes chocolate biscuits with wine
Somehow she found Tim
I'm sure jealous of him
We agree that she's surely divine

Finishing with the best of the bunch
I do believe I have a hunch
That Anu will be happy
That this wasn't too sappy
Ok, I'm now off to make lunch!

Honalulu Blue

Lions really know how to roar
But what is this loud-ass noise for?
To scare away mothers
And sisters and brothers
HA! I can do that with a snore

To the Ever-Questioning Pasta Mama

Your claims are simply outrageous
And your venom has become contagious
It's also sardonic
And sort of ironic
The way you've become so courageous

Authorship comes in all forms
Twisting and shaped into norms
Tim just edits my work
So stop being a jerk
And prepare for my poetry storms!

Why is it now an obsenity?
Your concern for my identity
At least you've replied
And can no longer hide
Maybe now I will find some serenity

So again I am going to try
To answer you, "who am I?"
My name is not Tim
Nor David nor Jim
FOR I AM THE LIMERICK GUY!

Solicitors

I answered a call on my phone
But soon could do nothing but grown
For these sorts of callers
Just wanted my dollars
Trying to sell me cologne

For all Tim's Homies

As a favor to my buddy Tim
I'm writing some lim'ricks for him
They're about his blog fans
At least those are the plans
But right now it's still looking grim

I told him I'd do it for ten
Writing 'bout women or men
But hes only got five
And half doesn't jive
So I guess I'll delay them again

Soon all ten will be ready
And the flowing of rhymes will be steady
If they'd only reply
To his posts then I'd try
To get this shit started already

Millions of Peaches

I picked from a tree a nice peach
And took it with me to the beach
I juggled it there
Very high in the air
It’s a trick I’d be happy to teach

Sports & Entertainment

I was hunting one day with my bow
But all I could hit was a crow
I attached some strings
And some buttons and things
As a puppet he makes a good show

Zombies

Zombies like to eat brains
So it’s best to keep them in chains
Otherwise they might bite
And you’ll bleed through the night
Which will leave lots of horrible stains

Story

I was telling a scary ghost story
It was spooky and bloody and gory
It scared all my friends
Now they wear Depends
As frightener I received all the glory

Costumes

Halloween can be scary
Unless you’re dressed like a canary
A bird that goes “tweet”
With big yellow feet
Isn’t too frightful, not very

Witches

Some witches cackle and squeal
It’s really a horrible deal
They mix up their potion
And with their wand motion
I sure hope that witches aren’t real

Jack-O-Lantern

Carving a pumpkin is fun
But beware once you have begun
The guts and the slime
And the seeds all the time
Make a big mess when you’re done